It has been ten years coming

Ten years since I sat in my AP European History class with my professor attempting to convince me to join the Army based on my desire to be a nurse.

I rebelled as I always seem to do (before I go to far, no I'm not joining the Army) and took ten years to struggle and wrestle with God and world and people, but mostly myself.

I have been tangled and interwoven into the life that my mother lived, the life and death of my grandmother, my perception of the only way to live as a Christian, and what I had to do to be loved by God. This road was extremely painful and spiraled my thoughts into dark, fearful places based on the rules I thought we must abide by, but never meet. I am still a rule-ish based person, but I'm learning to become free.

Free from my perception of God the Father. My Father that I acknowledged but rarely spoke intimately too because of the fear that He/She/No clue really would come back and bring the reign of fire upon my head. Fortunately, I've come to realize, or rather accept, that God and Christ are the same. My formula is not scientific nor completely understandable even by my own thoughts, it is fluid, in motion, and will always be changing. However, the one truth is that God the Father is rooted in the deepest love that though I attempted to rid my mind from and live life without this truth, He remained lodged in my mind permanently. The love remained despite my sins, those that will stay between me and the Largeness of God. The God that sees through my cynical comments and disrespectful ways I have treated and will treat my body, spirit, and community.

Free from thinking that I can only follow God if I seek Him out in the cultures that are unfamiliar. That I must run and attempt to save, but that is another lie. Trust me, I'm not saying turn inward and isolate yourself from the world in a cabin in Arkansas. Listen and speak the truth, stand up for people that are demonized, here and there. My freedom is found in this: I can be here, in my community, and God will still love me.

Returning to Arkansas after being gone for almost 2 years has proved difficult, not based upon anyone's actions but my own. I have been smothered in love by my family (my family largely consists of friends). I have found that even being loved by family does not bring joy or happiness. There will still remain the loneliness that will seek ways to find instant intimacy or great isolation. It is only when I can become receptive and listen and push away my attempts to be strong and become weak, acknowledging that I have no control over many things that happen, and become entirely and utterly dependent on God. This is not to say I am where I should be in my relationship with God, with others, and with myself. My tendencies still prove very strong, oh Screwtape truly knows the perfect environment to place me in resulting in the mindset of deceit and then I run from everyone, especially any type of religion, spirituality, love...

For now, here I am in Arkansas attempting to live with eyes wide open. Still not joining any type of armed force, but with greater respect for the multitude of paths that we are barreling down.

My current barreling is towards becoming a nurse.
Towards being outside and enjoying the trees, especially the weeping willows,
the friendships, and conversations that challenge my opinions and bring about a renewed respect even with continued disagreement.
Towards remaining vocal for the causes that are deep seeded in my heart despite what may come my way.
Towards love and forgiveness.

peace.