One Year

Almighty God, we remember before you today your faithful
Servant, Evelyn and we pray that, having opened to her the gates
of larger life, you will receive her more and more into your
joyful service, that, with all who have faithfully served you in
the past, she may share in the eternal victory of Jesus Christ
our Lord; who lives and reigns with you, in the unity of the
Holy Spirit, one God, for ever and ever. Amen.

This week marks a year since my grandmother, Evelyn, passed away. I remember the smell of the damp air outside, the colors that changed earlier last year compared to this year, the coldness of the tile floors, and my mounting anxiety as to when. Once again, I was quickly reminded that I have no control over this life and maybe that scared me more than knowing that I would not have my grandmother around. I prayed for her to pass, that she would no longer be in pain, and honestly for that whole week to end and her to find wholeness outside of this world.

On occasion, I find myself driving home from a friend's house and picking up the phone or merely entertaining the idea of calling her. I don't necessarily have anything special to say, just my normal day happenings. Will this ever change, perhaps.

I miss her beyond any other person that I have known and seen pass.

Will I ever overcome this grief?

No, but it does become more bearable. Every day is different than the one previous and the one that will follow.

The only thing true I have found over this past year is to seek relationships above and beyond anything else that you dream. Seek family, but most of all seek God even in times that resemble the dark night of the soul that John of the Cross gracefully wrote about. Be angry and lash out at God. He can take it. I mean, how many individuals in the Old Testament bargained with God? Given my bargaining never really turns out, but to me it doesn't hurt to continue the conversation. That is what my definition of faith is, a conversation with a Being so real, tangible (yes, I meant this word), mysterious and infallible at times that you wonder and yes, even doubt, and ask yourself if you have lost your mind believing in an ancient religion and God. But I know for some unexplainable and illogical reason, that God is real and God is love. To not believe in anything but the world you live in is even more terrifying than being called a fool.

For now this is my update. Peace.